Title: Despair & Longing
Bands/Pairings: Alice Nine; Saga/Nao
Disclaimer: I own none of them..
Warnings: mention of character death, reminiscing
Summary: Nao is all alone now, left to grieve in the apartment he used to share with Saga. Noa's POV
Comment: I hope this isn't too depressing, but I love writing angst. I'm much better at it than I am at smut or fluff. Please enjoy <3
Do you know how hard is it to wake up and know that you’re not by my side, hogging all of the covers like you used to? Your side of the bed lies vacant now. Cold and untouched.
As I climb out of bed my heart begins to ache, knowing I won’t see your smiling face greet me as I stumble sleepily into the kitchen. Now I have to make my own coffee, but most times I just end up burning it. It was you who used to make my coffee the way I liked it. Why didn’t you ever teach me how?
Sipping at the pungent liquid in the mug, my eyebrows furrow and I gag in distaste. 'Damn, burnt it again.' Slamming the mug down angrily upon the countertop, I accidentally sloshed the scalding coffee over the sides and onto my small hand. Pulling back, I hugged my hand to my chest and bit my lip as a whimper rose from the back of my throat. Closing my eyes against the pain, I couldn’t help but let my quiet whimpers rise into sobs. Why aren’t you here to kiss it and make the pain go away? Why am I left to suffer alone?
Wanting nothing more to do with my disgustingly burnt coffee, I instead poured myself a bowl of our favorite cereal. I had always made sure to pour enough for the both of us, because I knew how much you liked to steal my food while I wasn’t looking. Holding the cereal box at an arm’s length I could feel myself being pulled into a memory. I didn’t fight it though. Not this time atleast.
“Ano, Sagachi, can I watch Gundam this morning? I wanted to watch it last night, but we got home so late that I had to record it.” I asked, my eyes pleading, as I looked up to you. A tingling chuckle left your lips as you nodded and settled down on the spacious couch situated infront of the television. I smiled and poured myself a bowl of dry cereal before nestling down between your legs, my fingers already flying over the remote control, furiously searching for my recorded episodes. Clicking the show to life I reclined, my head rested against your chest, eyes glued to the show before me, and my cereal all but forgotten. I was silent, and too absorbed in the robots duking it out on the television before me to notice your sneaky hands plucking cereal from my bowl, one by one, until the bowl was empty. It was only when I heard you chuckle, your chest moving under my rested head, that I looked up to you. “What’s so funny.” I asked, slightly confused, but it was then that my eyes roamed over to my empty cereal bowl and I gasped in surprise. “Hey!” I protested and cast a glare at you, but you only stared back with the most innocent look I had ever seen. Though I knew you were anything but innocent. Setting the bowl to the side I let the issue slide, and cuddled into your warm body, your arms wrapping around my waist and holding me tightly. I was completely happy then. With or without cereal.
Now I sit alone on our spacious couch, clutching at my oversized bowl of cereal, Gundam reruns flickering on the television. I care about none of this though, as my eyes are casted down to my bare feet. I didn’t know what to do anymore. There was nothing I wanted to do anymore. Ofcourse there was still Alice Nine to take care of, but going to practice without you was like taking a nail to the heart with every step I took. It was too hard to venture out of the apartment we used to share, and it just hurt too much. Tears fell from my already red eyes, but I made no move to stop them.
I cried myself into a half conscious state, my eyes barely able to stay open as I curled up on our, no, my couch and wrapped my arms around my aching torso. I longed for sleep to take me, and I only hoped that the next time my eyes closed, they wouldn’t open again. Then I could be reunited with you, and once again feel your loving embrace. I longed for your touch. For your voice. For you.
Suddenly I heard my phone going off on the end table, and unwrapping my arms I slapped at the wooden table until I found the phone which had so rudely roused me from the only thing I found solace in anymore.
“Moshi moshi.” I greeted in a monotone. From reading the caller ID I knew it was Shou, and thus I didn’t pretend to be ok, or even the slightest bit happy. “Ah Nao-kun.” I could hear the relief in the vocalist’s voice, as if his mind was put at ease because I had actually answered for once. “We wanted to know if we could come see you today. Tora, Hiroto and myself.” His voice was strained, and I knew he was suffering too, but not like I was. “I’d prefer if you didn’t.” Was my calm reply, but deep down it hurt to reject the comfort the others could bring me, even if it was minimal. “I understand. I’ll talk to you again soon. Please take care Nao-kun.” I heard the line go dead, and my chest tightened. I was left alone once again. Left alone to think. Left alone to long for the one who had promised he would always be there for me. Left alone to long for the man who had died right before my very own eyes.
Letting the phone drop from my hand I heard it clatter onto the wood floor and slid under the couch, but I made no move to retrieve it. Instead I curled my legs to my chest, my arms wrapping around my knees, and pressed my face to the fabric of the couch, muffling my sobs.
As I lay there I found that only on word was capable of leaving my mouth….