Granted it hasn't been on of the busiest I've had, especially since it's the in between semesters four day. I'm really looking forward to my very last semester of high school, and my classes look amazingly easy, not to mention I get out at noon every day. That's a whole two and a half hours early! I mean it seems like couldn't be better now. I have a job, easy semester, friends who are still awesome and a girlfriend who loves me to bits and pieces.
But today and yesterday have been a tad troubling.
Last night I went and watched my friend perform the public unveiling of their winterguard shows. I know no one knows what those are, and hell, I'm not gonna explain 'em, because no one really reads these :'D but all I'm gonna say is that it was very painful to watch most if not all of my friends out on the floor last night, performing a rather kick ass show, and me not being a part of it. I quit because the director was a complete jackass, I was tired of not being appreciated and I'm happier now, but that was hard to watch. Granted I'd never want to put in all the work necessary for such a show ever again, but to say I miss the feeling of performing and being watched would be spot on. Of course no one but the girlfriend was told about these feelings, but it was sad. I was just a bystander, and it was completely different than what I had felt for the past three years of my life. Oh my how things change.
Now today.. well today was interesting.
I swear everytime I bring up the topic of my sexuality my mother has to put in her 2 cents. And those two cents are: I can't go gay until I have sex with a guy..
My mother is urging me to have sex with a man... what kind of backward world am I living in? :'D And while some [if not most] girls my age would be jumping for joy and running out to get dirty with their boo's I'm stuck staring at her, torn between yelling and rolling my eyes.
Her logic: A woman's body was made for penetration and a man's to penetrate.. Oh the horror =__=
And it got even more interesting when I told her how there are times when I'd rather not have breasts and want to grow a penis. She told me I'm really girly on the inside, and I stared at her like she had grown a second head.
And she even went on to tell me that I just haven't met the guy who could get me all hot and bothered.. gag..
I mean.. in a way I get her point of view, but I wish she would accept that when I think of actually being with a man I can't help but feel like a straight man feels about being with another man. I could care less about being fucked.. that's so far in the bottom of my priority list that it's being squished by everything else. Though it did make me take a step back and reevaluate myself.
I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm not as bi as I thought I was. Yes, I still think some guys are hot, but only in a way that sometimes I want to be them.. I'd go out for drinks with them, but the thought of being intimate with them is spine chilling.
I'd much rather have the feel of a woman's supple curves under my fingers than the hard muscle of a man [flappy men scare me -__-]
There.. So if I were to still consider myself bi.. I lean more towards girls..
But at this point I'm beginning to think I'm a lesbian..
That word used to scare me.. but I'm starting to embrace it more and more. As much as I dislike labels, this is one I don't mind so much.
Especially seeing as how most people already know I bat for the other team XD